Health With Derek
by MermaidMidna
Summary: "You walk into class on the first day of the last trimester… and oh god – he's there." What could have happened if Derek was in Casey's high school health class...


**AN: I don't know why this idea suddenly popped in my head or where it came from, but I am so incredibly excited to share this story with you guys. I have never been more excited for one of my fics, and I hope you all enjoy and are as pleased with the outcome as I am! Please review if you have the time! Feedback is love!**

* * *

You walk into health class on the first day of the last trimester… and oh god – _he's _there.

You haven't the slightest inkling as to why this might have happened considering you checked his schedule and _know_ you only had math and English with him… And this seriously throws you for a loop.

He sees you and gives you this ridiculously teasing smirk, and oh – he did this to you on purpose, you just know it!

"Morning, Princess." he says, leaning back in his chair casually. "No need to look so shocked. Take your coat off and stay a while."

He pats the empty desk beside him, and even though everyone else in the class is talking and probably not paying attention at all, you still feel like all eyes are on you as you take a seat next to your stepbrother.

"_What_ are you doing in this class?" You ask him incredulously. "I looked forward to a Derek-free block! I checked our schedules and made a chart and everything!"

At this point you whip out a diagram of your final term studies which includes a map of the school highlighted with all of your classes and color-coded lines that show you the best route to each class. "The classes with the tiny red skulls on them – those are the ones I have with you." You say, showing him your intricate illustration. And even though you're in the middle of a conflict, you can't help but be proud of your workmanship.

You smile smugly and he gives you a look of utter repulsion, flinging your schedule back on your desk.

"Turns out I didn't have a health credit… which I kinda need in order to graduate. _You_, of all people, should know that, Keener." You look at him with half-lidded eyes. This seriously cannot be happening. "So it looks like you're stuck with me. Which I'm sure is just thrilling for you, considering how obsessed you are with me."

"Der-ek!" You can't think of a witty comeback quick enough, so you settle for slapping him on the arm. And at that exact moment, your teacher walks in the room.

She sees your antics and rolls her eyes. "Oh god, this is why I hate boy-girl health classes." You hear her mumble before she opens her folder and takes out a stack of papers.

Everyone goes silent as she passes out the syllabus and tells you to read it to yourselves. You're done before everyone else (like always) and have nothing to do, so you proceed to take a red sharpie from your pencil case and draw a little skull mark on your health class.

Derek, who hasn't even bothered reading over the syllabus (slacker), looks over at what you're doing and chortles. You shoot him a glare. You have a feeling that he's going to get you into so much trouble before this term is over.

* * *

It doesn't take you long to figure out that your teacher doesn't really care for teaching any of her assigned subjects. She mostly just pops in a _Lifetime_ video or, even less exciting, an educational profile of what they're learning about and then sits in her desk chair and reads Nicholas Sparks.

But no matter what they're learning about, Derek _always_ has something to say. The first thing is diet and nutrition (See that little triangle at the top of the pyramid, Grubby? That's what you're supposed to eat the _least _of, not the most.), the second being drugs (Hey, Space-Case, what are _you_ on? I'm thinking acid, because when are you not tripping?), and the third being alcohol (Oh, god, Case. I hope you never get drunk. You're already crazy when sober so… Actually, that could be hilarious. I'm so spiking your drink tonight at dinner!)

You just sit there and take the abuse, because it's better than arguing back and being sent to the principal's office.

But one day you know you're just going to crack if he keeps it up like this…

* * *

"Today we will be learning about the male reproductive system-" After that your mind goes blank. All you can think about is how uncomfortable this makes you. Looking at slides about it, talking about it, watching videos about it… Oh, let's just face it, anything that has to do with sex makes you uncomfortable!

And you know you're practically an adult and you can guarantee that more than half the class has had sexual intercourse before, but it still doesn't make you feel any less squeamish when faced with this topic.

Your teacher passes around _that_ diagram… You know, the one of… it, and you flip your paper over and start to scribble on it immediately.

You hear a snort beside you as your stupid stepbrother seems to find your harmless doodling hilarious.

"Got a problem, little Miss. Prude?" he asks, the corners of his mouth turning up in a smirk.

"No." you say, not looking up from your paper but watching him out of your peripheral vision. "I'm just really bored, that's all."

"Oh, really? Because I think you have a classic case of Penis Panic."

If you were drinking, you would have spit your beverage out right then. You finally look up from your paper, a forced calmness on your face. "What in _God's name_ are you talking about, Derek?"

"I don't think the Lord would want you using His name in such an offensive way, Case." he says smugly.

"Oh, you mean in the same sentence as _your_ name?" you snap back, but he ignores your sentiments.

"Sooner or later you're going to have to face one of these in real life, so it's best not to get squeamish over a picture." He brandishes the diagram in front of your face and you squirm in your seat. "Oh, unless you can somehow find a homosexual man that's trying to convince his intolerant parents that he's straight by marrying you. And you'll live happily ever after with your adopted kids, all the while not having sex. Of course, he'll be out every night at the gay bar, but as long as you don't have to see his ding dong, you'll be fine."

You stare at him in complete shock. "Where on _earth_ do you come up with these things?" Someone with that much creativity should be putting it to use, not squandering it on pranking you and making up ridiculous stories about you 'future' life…

"What can I say, you inspire me, Grubby." He winks at you and you feel your face grow red. "Now man up and turn your paper over. It's not going to kill you."

You sigh and flip the paper over hesitantly. Whatever. You guess it's not _that_ bad. It's just some lines on a paper.

"And now we're going to look at some real-life examples of STDs." You hear your teacher for the first time since Derek started talking to you, and your eyes grow wide.

She flips on the projector and you have to cover your mouth in order to stop yourself from screaming. Or vomiting.

"This is an example of genital herpes." _Oh god, oh god, oh god. _You look back down at your paper, because _that_ is far less disturbing than what's being shown up on the screen.

You hear a sharp intake of breath beside you and look round at Derek staring at his own paper, his eyes averted from the screen. You almost want to laugh. And then you feel a little better. Even _Derek Venturi_ can't handle it.

"I told you it was revolting." you whisper, leaning to your left.

"Yeah, well, that's… not normal!" he says back, his cheeks bulging and his face growing whiter and whiter by the second. "I'd be fine if it wasn't covered in those…" His sentence trails off as the teacher switches the slide and the bottom of it reads _'__tinea cruris,' more commonly known as "jock itch."_

You laugh out loud when Derek excuses himself to the bathroom.

* * *

It's the penultimate health class and you feel your biggest accomplishment this term was not strangling Derek. Your teacher passes out a small piece of paper with several questions and two little boxes to check for each.

You stare at the first one. They can't be serious. _Have you been sexually active in the past? _ _Check yes or no._

Some of the kids are already checking boxes when your teacher interrupts.

"This is purely for educational and health purposes and none of you will be questioned as the survey is anonymous. So please, fill it out _truthfully _so we can give an accurate report_._"

Your nose flares in disgust as you notice Tinker going at his survey with an eraser.

It doesn't take you long to fill it out, considering there isn't much to check after admitting to being a virgin. You place your pencil parallel to your paper, fold your hands together, and wait quietly for the rest of the class to finish. You notice that Derek is also done, and you furrow your eyebrows at him. Surely he has a lot more to fill out than _you._

When everyone is finished, you're told to pass your papers to the front of the room. You take Derek's survey from his hands and can't help but notice he checked the '_no'_ box for the first question.

"You checked the wrong box." you say, separating his survey from the rest and passing the others on.

"Casey, what are you doing?" he asks incredulously, grabbing his survey from you and thrusting in the direction of the others. "That is personal business!"

"But you lied. And you're not supposed to!"

"Oh my god, you really _are _the biggest keener ever!"

"It's anonymous. Why does it matter? You should tell the truth!"

"I did, Casey!"

Your harsh whispering has escalated into a fight, and now everyone in the class is staring at you.

"Would you two like to take this outside?" your teacher asks, and you clench your jaw, your face turning a brilliant shade of red.

"No, we're alright. Sorry." you say quickly. Derek is glaring furiously at you.

"Okay, let's continue with the lesson then, shall we?" Your teacher slips a tape into the VCR, turns out the lights, and flops down at her desk as a boring voice drones on about childbirth. Pretty soon, half the kids in the class are asleep.

Your eyelids start to droop when you feel something sharp hit the side of your head. You rub the spot and see that the culprit is a paper football, flicked at you by your oh-so-loving stepbrother.

"_Real_ mature, Derek!" you whisper, holding up the paper triangle and scowling at him.

"Read it." he retorts, and you stare at him, befuddled.

"Read it!" he urges, and you sigh, unfolding his note.

_I cannot believe you're that judgmental. I am not as much of a 'pig' as you think I am._ You read, and your face turns, if possible, a brighter shade of red.

You scribble back a hasty response. _Well excuse me for assuming all of the rumors and lies that you yourself planted were true!_

You slide the note across his desk and he grabs it from you, scrawling his reply. He practically chucks the paper back at you.

_I have a rep to protect, but it's not like I'm sleeping around with half the female population. Or any of them, for that matter._

_You expect me to believe that Derek Venturi is still a virgin?_ You write back. Again with the paper tossing.

_If you really want to know, I haven't even made it past first base. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, I actually have some sort of boundaries/morals._

You crumple up the paper with his response and turn to him, your eyes wide and your mouth dry in disbelief at what you just read. "Sorry." is about all you can muster at this point, and he gives you this horribly displeased look.

The two of you don't talk for the rest of the day. In fact, the two of you don't even talk until next health class – your last day.

* * *

Which, _haha,_ just so happens to be about abstinence - something you had no clue Derek practiced up until yesterday. That means you have something in common with him. Something very important to you, and apparently very important to him too.

You don't know why, but it makes you really happy that he hasn't… uh… done the nasty yet. Like, overly joyous and giddy. You bring a king-sized Snickers bar to class and set it on Derek's desk, smiling at him.

He just looks at you like you're crazy. "What the hell is this?" he asks, picking up the bar and waving it in the air. "Poison? I know you're terrible at plotting, but I expected something a little more surreptitious from you. You aren't going to kill me off _that _easily."

"No, Der." You take your seat next to him, still smiling. "I'm really sorry… about yesterday. I shouldn't have said anything, or judged you…" You take a deep breath as he stares at you with one eyebrow raised. "And… I'm really proud of you."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He leans back in his chair, and your smile starts to fade.

"Oh yeah, so you just ignored me for no reason all day after class yesterday and all this morning?"

"Um, yep." He says, popping the 'p.' "Do I ever need a reason to ignore you?"

You groan, rolling your eyes. "See, this is why we never get anything accomplished! Because _you_ have to be _difficult!"_

"What are we trying to accomplish here, Case? What's this chocolate bar for?" he asks, and you bite your lip.

"I'm just tired of us fighting all the time!" You stand up out of your chair and he counteracts your motion, towering over you. Oh god, it's turning into one of those fights where the whole class stares, and you're just grateful that you got there early so the teacher isn't witnessing this scene.

"Maybe I wouldn't pick fights with you if didn't get involved in my personal business!" he yells, and you realize how prominent you make yourself in his life. "For a person that is supposed to hate me, you sure don't seem to know the meaning of leaving me alone!"

"I don't hate you!" You're in each other's faces now, and you can see every freckle on his nose, every hazel speck in his eyes, every little line on his lips. Your heart starts racing. "I just feel like I have all of this frustration built up, and I don't know how to get rid of it unless I'm taking it out on you! And maybe I put myself in your life because I actually care! Did you ever consider _that_ possibility?"

He stares at you, and for a moment you think you've rendered him speechless. But then his eyes shift back and forth, and you realize his brain is just working overtime for a good response. "You never answered my question." he says, and you stare at him confusedly. "What's this chocolate bar _really _for? Is this some kind of barter for a sexual favor? Because I told you already, I don't do that." And then he leans in closer and your noses are almost touching as he whispers, "although, for you, I might make an exception."

"De-rek!" You bring your hand up to smack him on the chest, but he grabs your wrist and crashes his lips into yours. You struggle at first, not really understanding what's going on until his grip on your arm relaxes a bit and you succumb to his embrace.

He lets go of your wrist entirely and snakes his arms around your waist, drawing you close to him. You smile against his lips and part your own so his tongue can find its way into your mouth. You wrap your arms around his neck and stand on tippy toe just to get closer to him. He tastes like mint toothpaste and coffee and sweetness all mixed together. You don't think you've ever tasted anything so delicious in your entire life.

He nibbles on your bottom lip and you moan "oh, Derek!" before you finally realize where you are when you're interrupted with a very loud throat-clearing.

You and your stepbrother break apart faster than you can say 'chastity,' and your face has never been a brighter shade of red, you're positive of this. You take your respective seats, and your teacher looks you both up and down a few times before starting the class.

"Today we are going to be learning about abstinence." she starts, and you can't help but give a small grin, your eyes shifting in Derek's direction. He's smiling back at you, his eyebrows raised like this is the most hilarious situation he's ever been it. It might just be.

"Unfortunately, since this is a grade 12 course, I have no doubt in my mind that over half of you in here have already done the deed." She looks directly at you and Derek with this statement, and the grin quickly vanishes from your face. Derek's smile just gets bigger. "But it's part of the curriculum, so I have to go over this anyway."

You can't concentrate on the lesson at all today, your eyes constantly wandering to your left, your leg bobbing up in down in anticipation of the class ending. Derek looks just as antsy, clicking his pen in and out, in and out, in and out.

_Clicka-click, clicka-click, clicka-click, _and you're going insane. You don't think you can take much more when the bell rings and your teacher hastily opens her desk drawer and pulls out a pile of… oh god.

"Here, I'm supposed to give these out at the end of class." she says, and starts passing out the little packages to the kids who are fleeing out the door. "Because no sex is the safest sex, but if you _do _have sex, WEAR PROTECTION!" she yells to all the students who are already in the hallway and making their way to their next class.

"God, I don't get paid enough for this job." she mumbles, and turns to you and Derek, who just so happen to be the last people in the classroom. She forces a smile on her face and takes the remaining heap of condoms in her hands and shoves them in your direction. The two of you look at each other, horrified, especially you, who wouldn't be caught _dead_ carrying anything like this around, let alone a handful of them!

"No, really, we don't-" you start, offering her the items back, but your teacher shakes her head.

"I have a feeling you two are going to need the rest of those."


End file.
